offering my apologies

I’m in this place where I grew, this place is no cozy; but when I grew I went of here, and during this time I have learned to cozy to myself wherever I be.  Now, I’m only a tourist in this space of world… thank God is in this way! I can see this place and remember my time here, but is only part of my past is not my present. Thank God is in this way!

Yesterday, I knew that a person of my past is dead, I’m sad, but I’m sad in my memory, not in my present. Anyway, this death have been the opportunity to think about some stupid thought I have had.

Each person have a way to see the life and God, a lot of them select or receive a religion to walk this road. Religions are a common road to go to God, a lot of times I have said is stupid to go to God in the road of another person; or is bad to accept all things of a religion. But now I’m asking myself: how am I to say it?

My real opinion is the road to go to God is free and each one have the option to go in a common or personal way; I feel sadness to person that be part of a religions and it is only stole their money; but in the deep down if this people need pay to find their road to God, why is it bad?

Anyway, in my opinion, the better way to go God is the way to help yourself to find the connection you need with God.

Today I offer my apologize to all people I have had to felt insulted for their religions, and offer my apologize to myself to be so stupid and to have said stupid thing in incoherence with my way to see the life.

I don’t like some religions, but I don’t have the universal true, and I think if all of us are here together is because we can live together and be part of the humanity life.

I am grateful with the life and God to always offer a new chance to think and change the opinion or attitude. Thank God because always the next day the sun rises.

Reason because people frequently say all past time was better.

Each of us is the result of a lot of variables (genetics, experiences, situation, etc) and memories are a very important one.  Around our life, we live a lot of things since we born, and we have reasons to remember something and not another. For example, when we born is a very difficult moment, the world change and we are absolutely unable to live without other person; try a moment to think how would you feel is you cannot walk, talk, take decision, sphincter control… now is easy to understand why when human born have not their brain ready and we cannot remember this time.

Anyway, we are growing and our brain abilities with us. Difficult experiences are most easy to remember for normal people; but the life are moments and is too hard to live carrying each moment exactly the way you lived it.

Some people use a lot of defence mechanism, for example, some people forgot all experiences (because they cannot live with their difficult moment), in this way they don’t need faced the difficult emotion, but have a big price, because If you giving up your bad memories, the brain is unable to have a discrimination and forget all memory, and life of this kind people is empty. Others people use another defence mechanism…

Whatever, your emotions (bad and good) are inside you! And is necessary to elaborate them inside you, to can live with them in peace, harmony, and quiet.

When people achieve it, they usually remember the past as better moment, because bad experiences have not importance, and you only can remember the good part. For example, people could remember  the adolescence like the better moment on their life;  when you have around 35 years old, you can remember only good moments in your teen ages, you  remember your best friend, your adventures, your sex experiences, etc; in this moment isn’t easy remember the rain of uncontrollable emotions you have in this time, all frustration, all pains, all difficult situation, in the present that memories aren’t important, people need to elaborate the difficult moments and make it supportable experiences to can continues their life.

        Anyway, is important to know, it is only a elaborate process, because each moment have good and bad experience. If you forget it, you could always think the past time always was better… But in the real life, each moment you have the opportunity to development yourself, and take own decisions, and is possible, if you are honest with yourself, you have better moment now than the past… Although present moment have problems or pains too.

        Remember, the past is a time that only exists in our memories, in this place we keep part of our history, but around the time each people transform their memories and it have differences ways. Is your decision what way you take for your memories and for your present and future.

        In the life have a lot of thing you cannot choice, for example, parents, country, family, etc. but have a lot of things you can choice, and if you are able to take honest choices with yourself, the present and future will be better than the past because are your decision, your responsibility and exactly the result of your actions.

        Some moment are transition to another, frequently they are difficult moment, but you can choice if you live crying for all thing you are lost or with hopeful for the new moment that you are preparing yourself to live. Depend this decision the way will take your life….

        The life is in your hand, and each event is only part of the process, need you thought, your feelings. Some moment are very very hard, painful, but is your decision the way you take then.

        For this reason, if you think: all past time was better, is possible you are needing help to make you responsible of your life, or maybe you are deciding don’t take decision in harmony with yourself.

Starting the final part of my transition process

I’m observing my future with clean eyes, my eyes are clean, relaxed, safe and quieted, watching the way my new life will start.

I’m in transition moment of my life; I finished all important things here but I am in Venezuela still, preparing myself to discover a new world, and a new way to see the life.

I’m listening my husband music, smelling this place, looking around me… I’m in this place, waiting for the first day of the rest of my life

I’m waiting the day I can renounce to my wings and to walk quiet in the place will be my home.

This week I finished with my patients and all other work activities, now I’m 

here but as in stop moment, waiting the next moment to know my new life.

I want to see with some friends and family, in special with my lil bro, it is my work now, while are all ready to go to NZ.

Is difficult to say another thing, because this moment isn’t too intense, this moment is quiet wait by the next… is the final part of my transition process.

Saying goodbye to my beloved job.

Six years ago, I just finished the University, I wanted to start to work; but not in any work, I wanted to work listening people in a private consult, I wanted to be a University Professor and maybe have another work to have more money.

I did all this things; I have worked in all things I wanted, I have been listening people in my private consult during almost 6 years, I was University professor during around 4 years, I have had another work when I felt good and had enough money.

Some months ago, I closed with the university, step by step I have closed with my other work, and this week I’ll close with my patients… My patients are the reason of my career election; they are exactly the work I always wanted to have!

Today at afternoon I’ll say goodbye 2 patients, both have been around 4 years my patients, I have accompanied them in different moments in their life; today I’ll say goodbye to they, with love, satisfaction and nostalgic.

The Wednesday, I’ll close with all other, I’ll finish with my most beloved job, with satisfaction, nostalgic, sadness, happiness, quiet, some worries, and another kind of emotions. All this emotion are living inside me, they are not in war, only are living together in my heart.

Thank Life have gave me the opportunity to do exactly that I have wanted.

I’m discovering also another kind of emotions inside me.

Today, I sent the first necessary documentation to start my visa process. The agent who is helping me in this process said I’ll be ready to go to NZ in October, I hope it will be in this way! I don’t have the money yet, but I think I’ll have it in 3 weeks, if I have it in 3 weeks all things will be in the necessary way to arrive in time I want.

I’m so happy! I feel myself ready to go out! But now, when I see near to me my migration process I have discovered new feelings inside me; I’m happy, hopeful, excited, ready, but in the other hand today I have discovered inside me another kind of feelings, like fear and sadness: I feel fear because although I know I’ll learn English very well, sometimes I feel fear by cannot learn it; or maybe to have problems to find new friends, or whatever… I feel sadness because I’ll miss some important people in my life, or maybe someone I’ll never meet again… that is sad..

I’m not talking about I want to live here or I’m not sure to go to NZ, I’m only talking about I’m know that all won’t be happy, and although I’ll be very well, I’ll miss my loved persons.

I want to know how smell the city I select to be my new home, all day I ask it to myself, with love and hopeful, I want to meet my kiwis friends, know new people, be faced to the language and learn it…. I’m happy about all things to my new life, but know, I’m starting to be (also) sad by important people I’ll let here.

I’m feeling fear about I’ll be in a new country without my husband, starting a new life missing him, he will be with me few months later, but other maybe I won’t to see again…

I feel fear about how will feel my beloved little brother when I’ll be so far, or if he could feel, I let him or maybe he could think I don’t love him. I know, he know I love him, and I’ll do necessary things to carry him with me…. But sometimes I feel fear about it.

I feel fear and sadness because I’ll be at least 7 months without to be with my doggy! I sleep with her every day, and I love her a lot…. Will be hard not be near to her…

Well, each day I’m nearer to my new life and I’m happy! But now I’m discovering also another kind of emotions; they are not in war, they are living together inside me.

This week... I'm nearer to my dream...

Today I received my passport! While I was waiting, a Mr. was talking with me and asked me: are you foreign? And my answer (automatically) was: not yet.

Now, I’ll tell you the story about these days in my life. A week ago, I went to the dentist, always is a terrible experience to me, with pain and fear; this was the first time with new dentist, and I was especially nervous. I arrived to 7:45 a.m. and was the second person. Around 9:30 a.m. already I was finished the first dentist meeting. I was feeling good, because is a friendly guy, but I had pain. I park my car in front of the dentist in a parking space; I cross the street to go my car and the rear glass was absolutely broken!

My husband and I went to around the city looking for a window, and we didn’t have good luck; in a store they thought they had the rear glass, and we paid it (so expensive) and then, they discovered was a mistake, and they didn’t have it…. They returned us the money and we went other places. We don’t have a back glass yet, and only in a place we found it but absurdly expensive (more than two times the price we received in the place where didn’t have in the end) and we cannot pay it now.

We have stopped the car, while we solvent this problem. But, in the other hand, the public transportation here is to violent, people hit each other, have a lot of crime, and driver never wait people be ready to start. And remember, I have one and half month to have taken a knee surgery, and I feel very well, but I feel fear to use the public transportation and to have an accident in my knee.

But anyway I need to do some things, and when is possible to me, I am going walking where I need to go. I have walked a lot this week. The first day, I discovered I didn’t remember when I was walking for this street the last time. The second day, I understood I feel myself like I was a tourist in this city, I feel like I am only watch the place, but it isn’t a known place in my life.  I have walked in the center of city, in place I met during my childhood with my parents, now are very beautiful, because was a special day for the country and government decided fix it. Is great to see this place beautiful and say goodbye with this good memory! Anyway, I cannot feel nostalgic or sadness, I only can see the place and say goodbye, like if this place didn't had a meaning to me.

This week, I have discovered I’m feeling like a tourist in my country, and I don’t know when I’ll start to feel in different way; I think, in short time I’ll be in the place that I selected as the place to my life, but in the beginning I’ll feel like a tourist, while I can adapt myself to this place.

Feel like a tourist is good now, because the terrible reality of the country isn’t too heavy to me, it is only the situation of a country I’m in this moment, but my life don’t have direct relationship with it.

I want to feel myself part of a place, but not this place, I want to feel I am part to NZ. I know it won’t be automatic, in the beginning I’ll feel like a tourist, but step by step I’ll be part of the place I chose as my home!

During this week, I have been thinking about the University where I studied: UCV! This place has an special space in my heart, and I never could feel like a tourist there, The UCV was the most important space in my life, where I received the professional formation, but where I learned to be the person who I am. The UCV always will have my grateful and love!

Well, each moment I’m nearer to my dream, and farther to the country where I born. Today I sent the first documentation to start my student visa process, the agent say, in 2 months all will be ready to go to NZ. Now I continue in NZ’s route, internal and external route.

Thanks The Vinotinto to join a Country!

In Football my heart is Albicelste and in short time will be ALL Whites! Anyway I grown loving Venezuelan Football team, they always lost during long years, then sometimes they finished tie some games, and step by step they was improving. Today is a historic day to Venezuelan football, they are in semi final American Coup!

Today The Vinotinto is a good team, with dignity, able to play with biggest teams and not lost!

My heart is happy, I’m not Viotinto, but I’m happy to watch their football development! Congrats to The Vinotinto!

This is a break country, but today all people forgot political, unsafe and provety problems…. Today all Country is happy about The Vinotinto!

Thanks The Vinotinto to join a Country!