I can hardly walk by my knee like my soul.

My knee is broke and now I can hardly walk, and I’m feeling very bad. But I’m thinking, this problem in this life moment could be a perfect description about my mood.

Now, streets are really difficult, dangerous, ugly, etc.  My soul can’t walk by them, and feel a deeper hurt each time that it is necessary like my knee.

My husband is questioning himself about what kind of thing he will miss of this country when we’ll start our new life; and he ask me the same question. Insight me, I think: I had a lot of time looking for a place where I could do a MRI, with hurt and my knee very bad; but still, I can´t do it, because in this country the most simples things are a terrible battle. Today, I lost the battle; I’ll try tomorrow again; but each small battle is part of the war looking for better lifestyle in another sun place, in the place where the kiwis live without fear.

I know, in the kiwis home, I’ll have another troubles, and I’ll need development my ability to solvent them, and is ok for me, because I don’t want this troubles anymore! I want another kind of life with its difficult things, I don’t want this anymore!

I want solvent my knee problem, and do simple things without feel that is a biggest achievement. I want my achievement be having a house, a work, a car, friends, great vacations, for example… I don’t want buy milk be a biggest achieve anymore!!

The darkest hour is just before the dawn

I have lived a very long and cold night in my life. I was not prepared for this experience, and the way to carry my life was attacked and hurt, I almost loss every important thing in 

my life, I broken a lot of thing and felt terrible.

Anyway, I’m optimistic, strong, and worker. I have continue doing the necessary things, and looking for a new roads.

This terrible dark has changed my desires, plans, thought, etc. Now I’m other people, with new kind to see the life.

I have felt cold, sometimes, I have thought I cannot keep me alive, other I thought, I have grown a lot…

Today, is possible to me see a small light and know, in short time will start the dawn; but I feel cold, depletion and sadness. Sometimes, I think, I cannot keep me to dawn. This terrible night has did deep hurt in my heart and is difficult keep me waiting for the light.

However, my heart say me, in short time will be a great day! Warm, beautiful, productive, etc. I have a lot of dreams for this day! I have plans, I though, as soon as start this wonderful day, I’ll need warn and recover me, for start to build a new place in my heart and my environment when I can be the next night and feel good.

I feel ready to receive the day, now I want to say thank God for this terrible night and its consequences in my life, even and especially for the terrible moments I have lived this time, because now, I’m sure, they have be necessary to grown and development inside me.

Here, in the night, I’m ready to receive the day, sometimes I would like to be in the day right now, I would like stop the wait and start the build now!

On several occasions, I feel, I need the light immediately! I cannot wait anymore!

But still, in my heart, I feel the night is finishing and the dawn is starting, I only need wait a few seconds to feel the warm and the necessary light to start a new way!

Thank God for this terrible dark, and for this news promise of a wonderful day!

I promise try to take advantage of day as well as will be possible, and never forget always have a reason.

Near to me wherever I’ll be

      I have born and lived in a lot of place and a lot of moments during my life.

       I have been and change many times and many people; but always, I have been me, with different colors.

       I have learned patience, and ability to hope and dream. Today, I’m waiting for me, because I’m in a place different to this, and I’m finished something’s here before meet with me.

       Sometimes I miss me, and I would like to go to meet me right now; but today, I’m able to understand the reason because I’m here and not near to me.

       In this kind of moments in my life, in the past, I felt loss, because is to hard not be near to myself, and cannot meet with me.

       Nevertheless, I have known to wait and do the necessary things while I’m working to meet me.

       Now, although I am not near to me, I’m able to meet me when I need me. I can looking for me in my heart, and I only need a pencil or computer for connect with me wherever myself is.

       Today, I’m not the alone kid or teenager that I was some years ago. I would like don’t live this kind of things, but I cannot change it. I only can change myself and transformer me in a different kind of people and never and ever feel like the past and, use my past to be a new strong, sure, smart and happy people, with ability to fly and do whatever I want.

       I would like to carry with me something’s that is impossible; however, wherever I’ll be these things will be with me. The smell of my analyst house, the people I love, the place I like, all of them will be near to me wherever I’ll be.

First tears in this farewell process

Some years ago, I wrote you some lines about my grateful toward you and my big love to you. Always I remember you like a near, receptive and strong person. The most shameful and painful scold that I have received have been by you. But not because other people didn’t be strong with me, only because you are strongest, lovely and coherent people than I have known, and for me have been very important your opinion about me.

I can remember my different kinds of see you during this time and is easy for me understand as the past I can’t see you, and only could see a beautiful idealization (with its natural fear), but you had patience with me, and show me a lot of time how you are, and I discovered you are a person; I think a really special person! But a person!

I have received your teaching, love, help, patience, accompaniment, scold, care, etc. I have no idea what I do to deserve it, or if I’m able to do something like this for you; but every day, in my heart I say thank (God, big energy life, whatever) for you in my life!

Thank you for accompany me this time, and in the deepest place in my heart I wish will be close up with you wherever I’ll be. I wish too can offer you something as special as you have been in my life.

Some years ago, I wrote you about my feel toward you, and I was sure in that moment, was not a farewell; now I would like it isn’t either.

I want to say you: each time I have though go to other country, the biggest pain I have felt is about don’t see you again, now is not different. My biggest fear is not see you again, my biggest pain is cannot study in ASOVEP, and the thing I’m really sure I’ll miss is the smell of my analyst house.

Anyway, I’ll do each thing I can for see you again (in short time) and feel you near to me. If I cannot, I always carrying with me all things you have given me. But still, I’ll try.

None more words.

I love you.

About how was an Olympus Mountain woman, and is now for me a wonderful woman.

Now, I know how I am and how you are. I don’t have fear about you or myself. I can see your eyes and understand what you are seeing and what you are feeling. I see you eyes and I understand what you see and discover on me. I see your eyes and what you and other see on me, and don’t have fear or arrogance; because now, I know how I am and how you are, and know our abilities and weakness without fear or arrogance, only understanding, this does us people we are.

Some people could think you or/and I would be great, smart, genial, beautiful, amazing or/and stupid, proud, arrogant, ugly…. Whatever they think.

Anyway, you are a person, a great person with weakness, just like me, and understanding how you are, I have discovered and build part of myself.

Wow, I have discovered evident things; but still, this will change my life, and when I see you again, I’ll be relax and happy, without fear.

It is great!

Some give up with my wings

      Is easy for me remember myself 7 years ago; I was a young girl, dress with blue or orange t-shirt and same color socks, had some piercing and in my eyebrow one with same color of my t-shirt and socks.

I was studying with best teachers, but 2 of them have been very important and special for me; one was a serious, strong, beautiful, older; but sweet, container, close up… I see her as is biggest master, but not only about my career, about the life!

She taught me identify important components in my work practice to have less mistake; while, companied me with difficult experience in my life, and scolded me with my mistakes and some stupid thought about my work, but special in my life!

She permitted me discovery the human being in her, and understand as wonderful people is in beginning people, and live different kind of feeling near her.

Now, she is not my teacher, is a very important person in my life, how is near me each moment, although sometimes, I can’t see her.

On the other hand, is the teacher, she is beautiful, intelligent, proud; she brightness with her our light. She was always receptive with me, but I felt fear toward her, because my younger mind thought she was as big, special, important as would be impossible by me be near her.

Nevertheless, I was wrong, and I was growing and my study road did possible to meet her again, with emotion, fear, expectation and intellectual interests.

In that moment was easy for me remember our special relationship, and open a new one.

Now, she sees me with love, regard, and is able to identify my abilities and intellectual potential, talk it with other persons, and open me some doors that I always have wanted to know.

I have grown and she have saw it; and now is possible for me be part of an important place that I always wanted be part.

My fly abilities never will loss! But I’m giving up my wings…

For example:

I always will be able to have a great relationship with important persons that I feel admiration and love.

I will be able to keep this relationships and development it in my future.

I will be able to build again a place where I want to be intellectually.

But still:

I cannot enjoy my construction and I’m giving up to study where I have wanted do it; meet with important people in my life frequently; enjoy to my work renown, etc.

I’m giving up to important things in my life for walk quiet and relax by the beach at night.

I’m giving up my wings, but never my ability to fly, when I will be able to walk in the beach at night, I’ll need development a new way to fly and build all thing I have build here and I’m leaving.

A normal day

How I imagine a normal day in my future kiwi life?

Well, today is March 15, 2011, and I hope in March 15, 2012 have some months living in Auckland, have a work and normal life. I imagine my March 15, 2012:

Wake like 6 a.m. go the bathroom, clean my tooth, sports dress, say hello to my husband, possible he will be in his pc, some kiss to my doggy, drink a orange juice and go to walk 30 minutes for the beach, smell seas, see people walking too, listen the radio, enjoy the weather, and come back home to 7 a.m. take my breakfast, take a shower, work dress and go to work.

 

   

Listen the people during 8 hours (that is my job), maybe lunch with my coworker, and send a messenger to my bro or some new or old friends.

Later, go to home, sport dress again, and go play tennis during 1 or 1 and half hours. 

In the home way, is possible meet a friend to drink a coffee, or meet my husband go to dinner out.

Returnee home, call my bro or some friends, take a shower again, and down to the sofa with my husband, talk with him 1 or 1 and half hours; maybe watching TV or read a book.  Around 10 p.m. I hope be sleeping.

I hope, my normal days will be like this, nothing special, only a normal life, but with sense of freedom, that is my dream.

I need go across the world to have a normal day, but, I’m sure it will be worth!

In 365 days, I write again about my day.

Saying good bye to my wings.

I have flown high and quick during all my life. I have been years learning to fly well, and with short and weak wings I learned to fly better than many people. Know fly have been the most important ability to build my life, development my internal abilities and discovery my real dream, my real internal and personal way.

My wings have been my more important tool to build myself! I am grateful with the life (god, big energy, etc) for it. Is impossible for me forget the biggest importance that have had in my life, and do not say thank God for it.

Anyway, I’m changing, and I’m transforming in a Kiwi; in short time I won’t have predator again and I won’t need to fly, and I will say good bye to my wings.

I love my wings, but I don’t want it in my life anymore!

I don’t know if I could fly again, but in the deepest place in my heart I don’t want to need fly again anymore!

When I won’t need to fly, I could development a plane if I want to fly. 

When I won’t need to fly, I could development whatever I want.

When I won’t need to fly, I could live (not survive), and living is possible to do whatever I want.

I love my wings, but I don’t want to need it anymore, and I’m ready to say good bye.

I want to be a Kiwi

I want to be a Kiwi!

The kiwi is a small and smart bird that lost their wings because didn’t have any predator and never needed to fly.

Some people could  think, is very sad being a bird and cannot fly… But I’m not agree, because if you don’t have predator you can do anything that you want and never have fear, you can walk, think, development yourself that you want without fear!

For example this kiwi, he want to fly, and he was able to development a new environment to do it. If this kiwi was scared for a predator, could do development this environment? Only with relax, without fear the people can think important things for their life, in other situation, the people are surviving.

I have big wings and every day I need fly high and quick because my life is every moment in risk. I cannot think as I would like, because I need fly every moment… I cannot walk, I cannot live… I need spend my time flying as quick as I can… every moment.

I want to lose my winds and walk without fear. I want to lose my winds and feel save in my environment and the people near to me

The natural process of life is birth, development, reproduce and die. Well, I born, development, changer and want continue change, I hope reproduce but not a frightened bird, I want to reproduce a kiwi, continue my development and die.

Now, I’m in the wrong place, I’m preparing myself to go to the Kiwi place, and become a Kiwi people. I want to change my winds for a life without fear.

In short time, I’ll be a kiwi and I cannot fly anymore with ours winds, but still, I’ll be able development a new way to fly if I want to do it again.

Thinking and writing...

Some years ago, when I didn’t know my husband yet, I wanted live in France; I don´t like Venezuela, I don´t like the permanent disaster, hit number of crime, drunk people drinking in the street, this stupid thought: if you have bad behavior but none caught you, you are the better people in the world. I don´t like this general situation. When I finally decided go out, I met my husband… He didn´t want go to live to other country, he decided to live in this place all his life. I had to take a difficult decision, and choose between have a good lifestyle or live with the men that love me…. 

But still, I’m a woman, and the decision was live with my husband, and I swear, I never tried to convince him go out. I was trying to convince me that the better for me was live here (very difficult work)

However, 7 months ago my husband said me, he want go out and live in a better place!!!! I couldn’t believe it!!! I was really happy about it! We decided go to NZ for some reasons, and I feel in the most deep space in my heart, it is the better decision for me!

Every day, I’m happy because is a day more near to NZ, is a day more near the life that I deserve!

                                          

I speak with my kiwi friend, and feel, that is my site, my heart beat more quick and my soul is really happy.

During this time, I have been learning English and elaborating my internal migration process, doing documentation, and farewell in general.

Every day, I feel this country is throwing me, and this country don’t want me here! Sometimes, I think, this country know, this is not my real country. 

People question me if I won’t miss my country, and now I cannot know the answer, but, I think, the real country of a person is the place where is his heart, where person feel happy and his soul is in home…  Tonight I don’t feel that it is my country, is only the country where I born, but I want to emphasize: I didn’t chosse the place to born, and is possible this was the place when I should born, but is not the place where I should be. Now I’m not the same people that 28 years ago and I don’t deserve the same kind of things…

Try to visit to my little brother and cannot go with my car because I feel fear; be victim a attack of the bus with stone to try to steal; cannot go to street and be relax, etc… That is not the life that I deserve, I am really happy about this decision.

Today, I have improved my English, and I can write it, read the NZ’s newspaper every day, understand the TV, etc…. It is my process to NZ’s route, and my personal development process… that is to say, during this time, I’m learning English and while I’m improving this skill, I’m preparing myself to have the life I deserve.